Daily Routines

I had paused writing for a while as you can tell, but here I am again.
I was thinking and thinking what to write about for it to be useful and interesting at the same time. And then an idea popped in my head: I am always running out of my time, always in a hurry and sometimes it seems that 24 hours a day is JUST NOT ENOUGH! I am sure most of us can relate to this feeling of "timeless" days. And it always got me wondering how famous people or "choking" with work buseinessmen, artists and other people organize their day and manage their time effectively. I did a little bit of research and found interviews with very famous people like Simone de Beauvoir, Immanuel Kant, Karl Marx and Charles Darwin about their daily routine, time usage and how in the world had they managed to schedule their day so perfectly. Guess what the key was: a STIMUL that will get you going in the morning!!! The key is NOT to be LAZY, have a sence of RESPONSIBILITY. I guess all of them mentioned above had their "moments" but ni matter what they would never give up on their daily schedule under any circumnstances... Not like us, of course!!! For example, I can get motivated and write a TO DO list for tomorrow, which will start with a MUST_WAKE_UP at 7 am, but when my alarm will go on annoyingly at 7 am, I might just find an excuse for me to sleep longer! Now, that's wrong.... While it takes me to horribly struggle to get up at 7 am,  Immanuel Kant woke up at 5 am, each morning...
So MORAL of this post is: have motivation (stimul) to get you going, sence of responsibility to do what you have to do every day, do NOT be lazy, you will regert one day and don't forget to have a little bit of that precious time for yourself to relax during the day, which would be fair pay back for your hard work and by saying that I don't mean WASTE your time, don't drawn in your daily routine... And this ALL concerns ME firsthand... And I hope I am not motivated just for this moment!
Later Gators! (via Steve)

"Today" of every year....

Time heals??? No…. it’s just that we don’t allow ourselves to be sad anymore… it always hurts, it will always hurt… the hole that is punched in your life, in your soul, in your heart, will never heal…. Time passes and I am just used to your absence!! But I don’t want to be used to it!!! I want to walk into the house and see you sitting there, on the couch and talking to me, smiling, LIVING for God’s sake! Today… Every year I am afraid of today! Every year I count one more “today”… and today, I don’t allow myself to think about you, to remember! I just turn my mind off…. Because I am afraid that I can’t stop….. if I allow myself one thought, one memory, it will just hit me…. And I’ll go over and over and over EVERYTHING that is hurting so much! That is so painful… and I will be lost! I don’t want to… I want the feeling to go away… I know life goes on and believe me, I am going on… I live a normal life everyday…. But it doesn’t make it easier…. Not even a little bit. And I know that I am not the only one who lost the dearest person in his life, but that doesn’t make it easier either!!! Coping, acceptance…. Those work only for some period of time…. I still enjoy the “everyday happiness” but then I just collapse and coping & acceptance are gone…  Sometimes it’s like a battle inside of me… Sometimes it takes all the effort to get up and believe in the day. And the fact, the vital necessity is that I need you! I need you by every meaning of the word “need”!  And most of all I am afraid that I am not going to be able to thing about you… Because I still can’t… And I am just this frozen person inside, which blocked all the emotions of grief, not allowing even a single tear. And I don’t believe that you are there, watching me… I only know that you are not here and that you never will be… And today…. Am I sad??? –I don’t know…. I am EMPTY! I am just MAD, I am ANGRY! And I will always be questioning “WHY!” Can I change anything? –No….
Then why do I even try….

Day 23: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs

I am addressing the following playlist to someone without who I wouldn't smile with the smile I smile everyday...
few songs that I want you to know, I am somewhat connecting with you.
**Sirum em!

1. Katie Melua-Piece by Piece (we both know why this song is the first...!)
2. Sting-Shape of my Heart (we both love it)
3. Ray Charles ft. Dee Dee-Precious thing (because I lloooveee this song, always!)
4. Nino Katamadze-Once in the street (very beautiful song)
5. Soso Pavliashvili-Radovat' (Because you told me not to be sad....)
5. Leps ft.Stas P'exa-Ona ne Tvoya (Because that was the first song you sent to me)
6. Will Withers-Just the two of us (Saturday Mornings.... ;) )
7. Sting ft. Charles Aznavour-Love is new everyday (because I fall in love with you every single day!!!)
8. Ray Charles-Angelina (I am listening to it right now)

This is a playlist for you-the one that makes me feel loved and special every day.

** Your angel loves you... today more than yesterday.

Day 24: The reason you believe you’re still alive today

I know :)) It's not supposed to be the 24-th writing, but I decided to change the rules a little. I am still going to write about all the topics,but in random order... I am tired of the routines!!! I am tired of damn synchronized routine....
The reason I believe I am still alive today, is a simple acknowledgement that my "logical end" hasn't come yet... Sometimes I just love to be irrational (today is such case) and say that I am alive, because there are people that need me here, or maybe the reason I am alive today is simply because I still have things to do, to accomplish in my life, I have to understand the meaning of my life, or life in general... This sounds so comforting and so beautiful... I wish and sometimes I really hope, or maybe even believe in the "said above"... But when I think of this question, what pops up in my head is that I am just alive.... Should there be a reason for that??

If you guys have a different opinion, please share, it would be interesting to know what do you think what's the reason you are alive today....

Cheers,

Anna, as always :)

Theories of personality...

I just love Freud!!! Let this article be a little light brightening to our "spotless minds"....

A multi-dimensioned nature of person and diversity of his social relations determine a diversity of theoretic approaches to personality. One of them is the psychological analysis of Sigmund Freud (1856-1939). He considered a person as a hedonist, as striving for getting satisfaction, with the society as a system of constraints and taboos. According to S. Freud, personality has three structures: the Id, the Ego, and the Superego. The Id consists of instincts, basically sexual. It is totally unconscious and has no contact with reality. As children experience the demands and constraints of reality, a new structure of personality emerges – the Ego. It is called the executive branch of personality because it uses reasoning to make decisions. The Id and the Ego have no morality. They do not take into account whether something is right or wrong. The highest structure is the Superego which is the moral branch of personality as it takes into account whether something is right or wrong that’s why it is seen as norms of the society. The Superego is what is often referred to as “conscience. ”The Id and the Superego are most aggressive branches. Attacking human psyche (the Ego) from both sides they make life rough for the Ego and give birth to a neurotic type of human behaviour. For instance, your Ego might say, “I will have sex only occasionally and be sure to take the proper divcautions because I don’t want the intrusion of a child in the development of my career. ”However, your Id is saying, “I want to be satisfied; sex is pleasurable. ”Your Superego is at work, too: “I feel guilty about having sex before I’m married. ”Personality becomes neurotic as it is constantly defending from public divssure and conflicting with the social milieu. As soon as the society develops, the highest structure (the Superego) inevitably increases and becomes more massive and heavier, that’s why S. Freud considered the history of mankind as history of increasing psychosis.

I think the example brought above is too practical.... but it's the truth! Our Ego struggles every single day, it is always tempted and is always in hot-bed of tensions (by the way, always wanted to use this expression :) ). And it strongly affects our society... most of the time as life shows, as our society pictures, Superego is suppressed by the attacking Id... And no, I am not being pessimistic, I am just sad, that I, myself, can also be listed in the raw of suppressed Superegos.... :/

Day 10: Something people seem to compliment you the most on

Well it's probably my eyes.... I get complimented on my blue eyes quite often.... Do I like it-yes, :) who doesn't like to be complimented...
I'll be MODEST and end this topic right here :)

Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

Firsthand, I apologize for my several-day silence... my mind has been very busy lately... I need to make my thoughts into actions, transform them into reality and apply on daily basis. Productivity is very important, otherwise you'll bury your creativity alive.

Now, turning to the topic... There is a person, which was and still is important to me and is a part of my past.... but as it's written above, I didn't want to let go, but just drifted, BECAUSE it was vital, needed!

When lifetime friendship turns into something else, and the feelings start to mix with the ones that are forbidden in a friendship like that, in a friendship of such character, in a friendship of such long duration and when the real, "holding-it-together" meaning is lost, it has to be over.... "You" lost the meaning of being friends and consequently I lost "You"... I always want to see "You" in my life, but only as a friend you had been for me for such a long time.... I just want to say Come back one day. I am still Anna.

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like poopy

:)))) The last part of the title made me laugh! I don't know about people making my life a hell, but there are things that can and have made my life a living hell... so consequently, people who have done, or will do those things will make it happen... I have my moments, and sometimes I might be quite emotional and fragile....
There is no such person that have made my life hell, or mistreated me.... but I will say one thing...
"I can't stand drunk people and drinking issues are horrible".....

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for

Are there going to be any heart-lighted topics on this list?! While I read the title for countless times, trying to concentrate on my thoughts, a sentence from a great poem came to my mind...

"People come into your life for a reason,
 a season, or a lifetime"...

This is quite true... people in your life good or bad, somehow affect your living and yourself. Most of the times, if you are lucky or smart enough to have yourself surrounded by good people, it's a good thing. Think about this.... okay, you have your dream job, lot's of money, beautiful house, you have all other possible material things! But you don't have family that will support you, love you, cherish you, you don't have friends which may be loyal to you, you can't turn to anytime you feel sad.... you don't have real people to relay on,or the one's who will need YOU in their life... Now tell me... does such life makes it worth to live? I don't think so... You have to have people in your life! People make it worth living. And I am not just trying to draw this perfect picture of loving family without problems, true and loyal friends who will never betray you, or lie to you, honest colleges at work that won't talk behind your back!! No, I am not closing my eyes on all of this... But then again, I still think that people make it worth living...
And truly, I never ever thought, not even for a minute, that my life is not worth living... Yes, I have been very sad, lonely, I've been through some really hard things... but those never became a reason to think that my life is unworthy.
There really are a lot of people, that make my life worth living for... Also, how can I pick one?-my Mom, my Grandmother, my sister, my love.... They ALL make it worth to live for!

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do

Whoever made up this list must have been choosing the most tricky questions.... :)
Well... Of course there are vital few things I hope I will never heave to do in my life... I think everyone who will write about this topic will mention them: like I never ever want to go through a divorce, or I never want to say goodbye to my loved ones, never hurt them consciously, betray them etc, etc.... 

But as for real "I don't ever want to do in my life", I am going just to list them... It might be not too pleasant to think deep about some of them.... so here we go:
 -I don't ever want to lose my morals in life
 -I don't ever want to take somebody off of life support
 -I don't ever want to be alone (If I will be, it will be ONLY my fault)
 -I don't ever want to choose between 2 important for me people
 -I don't ever want to bury a child! (never, everrrrr)
 -I don't ever want to go through the same thing I have already been through in my life before.... never, ever....

That's enough.....
I need to write my boyfriend good night and sleep myself.... <3

See ya!

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life

I see we're getting motivational here :)) I think I will like this topic, after I write, because two things will be done at once: FIRST-I will complete one more topic && SECOND-once again to think and determine what I hope to do in life.... Because I just don't hope I will get certain things done in my life, I know I will do so... and Yes, I'm in optimistic state of mind :)))...
Let's see... besides  all the things that an average person hopes to have or do in life (nice house, loving family, sexy wife/husband, make a nice leaving and be rich, etc.& etc.), I want more.... I know that nothing matters after your death and no one lives forever, and no one takes anything from his life with him.... You know that Alexander the Great was carried through the whole Alexandria with spread-open hands when he died??? You wanna know why? It was done to say, that even he was the youngest and the greatest conqueror of all the times and very rich, he didn't take anything with him... He only left some things after himself.... Some things that really matter, he made a history... Now why am I telling this BIG story... Keeping it short, all I'm saying is that I hope to make a change during my life... Somehow, someway impact to something good, something that matters! You have read the slogan of my blog right?: "I believe that its the way you are remembered by people that defines your life on this earth. Call me idealistic if you want, but I truly want to make a difference in the world..."
So that is exactly what I hope and I hopefully I will achieve in my life! I want to make a difference, a change, so that people will remember me as someone that somehow touched their life with something good, something kind and meaningful....
I know, I am such a good girl :)))))))))))
but now, till tomorrow ;)

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for

Maybe because I am quite young yet.... but I don't have someone to forgive for... No one has yet done something to me-somehting cruel, somehting that changed my life to worse... So there's nothing to write about in this topic....  :))) And that's nice....

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for

I see this 30-day-comitment-thing comes closer to private and deep burried, I would say hidden topics for me and gets quite personal.... But, I guess I have already accepted the challenge to write about all 30 topics, so I am not backing away.
I can't categorize myself weather I'm a forgiving person or not, in general. There are things people can/can not forgive, things that people have to forgive, also forget about.... I, personally think that there are some things you CAN forgive, but CAN'T forget, even concidering yourself... It's easier to lie to ourselves and just run from thoughts, memories, mistakes.... right? That's what all of us do. We gather all these distractive thoughts, memories, mistakes in one big pile and hide them somewhere deep in ourselves... and hope never to return to them, or open them, never have a "tet-a-tet" with them... cause we are scared... But comes a time, when you're just sitting alone and trying as hard as you can to avoid thinking, you are avoiding to face the fear and be open with yourself. Well, it happens... and one day you have to let it all out and  blow it all away! Wow :)))) while I am sitting here and giving you this big, bubbly advices, I guess I, myself should follow them a little!
Here we go... I can't forgive myself for NOT being at the right place at the right moment.... I just know and there's nothing in this world can prove me the opposite, I just know that if I would have been there at needed time, it would be possible to avoid what had happened. I don't really believe in faith and in the statement that "whatever needs to happen will happen" or "whatever is written, will happen". I strongly believe that everything has a reason and the reasons are the decisions we make everyday!! And if people think that everything is written beforehand, then, I guess they just can sit back at their houses and wait till "what is written" happens to them... Total BS! Anyway... I can't forgive myself that I wasn't there, when the most important person in my life needed me the most... and I do believe that if I would be there, she would make it that time too, she would "stay", she would live....
I have heard too many times, people trying to explain to me that I couldn't change anything, but they can say what they want... I know, I could help! I know I could prevent.... And I don't know if I ever will forgive myself.... I constantly block the thoughts and I simply don't think about it.... I know one thing for sure: I can't change anything now. So may be some day, I will... forgive...

Day 2: Something you love about yourself

Well, well.... :))) It's not the right question for such a modest person as I am! ))))))))) just joking...
There certainly are things I like about myself... But I am going to flip over this exact topic, because I have my own priorities and It's better for them to stay unfolded!... People who know me, propbably love the same things about me which I, myself do.... I am not the type to speak about  this out loud.... But I can tell one thing for sure: there is no such person, no such living soul that doesn't love himself.... No exceptions! We all do!

And here's the deal, you tell me what you love about me.... and yes, It's a challenge ;)

Day 1: Something that you hate about yourself

I, myself ruined my evening and feel like crap, for doing what I always do..... : (
the following is somewhat confession.... I am sorry....

Okay, I was avoiding this topic for a while now….but today… I acted very childish and now feel horrible, no terrible… I am just having a hard time admitting negative things about me…. And those negative things are having an impact on my life lately…   I am having a very hard time admitting my mistakes (even to myself) and apologizing for them…. I battle with it!! And I know it hurts the people I love and care about…. I don’t know what the deal is! I know that I am hurting them, but at the same time, when I have to apologize and admit that I was wrong I just can’t… And I really suffer because of this! I know how much it hurts them, I know they expect more from me, I know that they don’t deserve such attitude. And now I say, I hate it about myself!!!!  I am disappointing certain people and I am getting to a point of losing them, because I am so damn stubborn. I truly understand that it is not the right way; you don’t treat people who you love this way! I understand that I have to apologize, but the words just don’t come out!!! I continue pushing my mistake, clearly realizing that it is not right, that I hurt the person and that he gets disappointed…. And I feel the worst feeling of guilt, but I still continue!!! Am I that weak that can’t do it right???? I don’t stop at the right time and apologize, I push it as far as it is possible, at the same time felling extremely guilty…It’s like a self-defense or something… I am trying really hard to say “I am sorry”… And that is one thing I hate about myself!!!!

Trust…. Seems like I’ve lost the ability to trust…  I understand when I love, I need to trust and I truly, really love, with all my heart, and he is so important and special! But I can’t trust!!! Even knowing that there’s nothing, no reason for not trusting, I still can’t…. I say to myself that I have to trust, again by not trusting I hurt people!!!!!!!!! It’s crazy!! I feel as I am the worst person, it’s so horrible…. 

And I am always not brave enough to admit all of this!!! I feel just very guilty and am very-very sorry for people who are put under all of this!  And I understand that they can’t take it forever… and one day if they decide not to have me in their life, it will be only my fault! I need to change this, because I really need them and I cherish them and I am thankful to them!  

30-day-commitment!

I am  doing a 30days of Truth here and I think it's a great idea… So I have decided to do that (along with all the other things I have started and not finished with this blog) .. hopefully though, this is one I will continue with J

These are the subjects:

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself. 

Day 2: Something you love about yourself. 

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for. 

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do. 

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for. 

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like poopy. 

Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. 

Day 10: Something people seem to compliment you the most on. 

Day 11: Something you never get compliments on. 

Day 12: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.) 

Day 13: A hero that has let you down. (letter) 

Day 14: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. 

Day 15: Someone or something you definitely could live without. 

Day 16: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. 

Day 17: Your views on gay marriage. 

Day 18: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? 

Day 29: Your views on drugs and alcohol. 

Day 20: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? 

Day 21: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. 

Day 22: Something you wish you had done in your life. 

Day 23: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) 

Day 24: The reason you believe you’re still alive today. 

Day 25: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? 

Day 26: What’s the best thing going for you right now? 

Day 27: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 28: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. 

Day 29: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

starting 2morrow... :)