Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for

I see this 30-day-comitment-thing comes closer to private and deep burried, I would say hidden topics for me and gets quite personal.... But, I guess I have already accepted the challenge to write about all 30 topics, so I am not backing away.
I can't categorize myself weather I'm a forgiving person or not, in general. There are things people can/can not forgive, things that people have to forgive, also forget about.... I, personally think that there are some things you CAN forgive, but CAN'T forget, even concidering yourself... It's easier to lie to ourselves and just run from thoughts, memories, mistakes.... right? That's what all of us do. We gather all these distractive thoughts, memories, mistakes in one big pile and hide them somewhere deep in ourselves... and hope never to return to them, or open them, never have a "tet-a-tet" with them... cause we are scared... But comes a time, when you're just sitting alone and trying as hard as you can to avoid thinking, you are avoiding to face the fear and be open with yourself. Well, it happens... and one day you have to let it all out and  blow it all away! Wow :)))) while I am sitting here and giving you this big, bubbly advices, I guess I, myself should follow them a little!
Here we go... I can't forgive myself for NOT being at the right place at the right moment.... I just know and there's nothing in this world can prove me the opposite, I just know that if I would have been there at needed time, it would be possible to avoid what had happened. I don't really believe in faith and in the statement that "whatever needs to happen will happen" or "whatever is written, will happen". I strongly believe that everything has a reason and the reasons are the decisions we make everyday!! And if people think that everything is written beforehand, then, I guess they just can sit back at their houses and wait till "what is written" happens to them... Total BS! Anyway... I can't forgive myself that I wasn't there, when the most important person in my life needed me the most... and I do believe that if I would be there, she would make it that time too, she would "stay", she would live....
I have heard too many times, people trying to explain to me that I couldn't change anything, but they can say what they want... I know, I could help! I know I could prevent.... And I don't know if I ever will forgive myself.... I constantly block the thoughts and I simply don't think about it.... I know one thing for sure: I can't change anything now. So may be some day, I will... forgive...