Day 1: Something that you hate about yourself

I, myself ruined my evening and feel like crap, for doing what I always do..... : (
the following is somewhat confession.... I am sorry....

Okay, I was avoiding this topic for a while now….but today… I acted very childish and now feel horrible, no terrible… I am just having a hard time admitting negative things about me…. And those negative things are having an impact on my life lately…   I am having a very hard time admitting my mistakes (even to myself) and apologizing for them…. I battle with it!! And I know it hurts the people I love and care about…. I don’t know what the deal is! I know that I am hurting them, but at the same time, when I have to apologize and admit that I was wrong I just can’t… And I really suffer because of this! I know how much it hurts them, I know they expect more from me, I know that they don’t deserve such attitude. And now I say, I hate it about myself!!!!  I am disappointing certain people and I am getting to a point of losing them, because I am so damn stubborn. I truly understand that it is not the right way; you don’t treat people who you love this way! I understand that I have to apologize, but the words just don’t come out!!! I continue pushing my mistake, clearly realizing that it is not right, that I hurt the person and that he gets disappointed…. And I feel the worst feeling of guilt, but I still continue!!! Am I that weak that can’t do it right???? I don’t stop at the right time and apologize, I push it as far as it is possible, at the same time felling extremely guilty…It’s like a self-defense or something… I am trying really hard to say “I am sorry”… And that is one thing I hate about myself!!!!

Trust…. Seems like I’ve lost the ability to trust…  I understand when I love, I need to trust and I truly, really love, with all my heart, and he is so important and special! But I can’t trust!!! Even knowing that there’s nothing, no reason for not trusting, I still can’t…. I say to myself that I have to trust, again by not trusting I hurt people!!!!!!!!! It’s crazy!! I feel as I am the worst person, it’s so horrible…. 

And I am always not brave enough to admit all of this!!! I feel just very guilty and am very-very sorry for people who are put under all of this!  And I understand that they can’t take it forever… and one day if they decide not to have me in their life, it will be only my fault! I need to change this, because I really need them and I cherish them and I am thankful to them!