Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life

I see we're getting motivational here :)) I think I will like this topic, after I write, because two things will be done at once: FIRST-I will complete one more topic && SECOND-once again to think and determine what I hope to do in life.... Because I just don't hope I will get certain things done in my life, I know I will do so... and Yes, I'm in optimistic state of mind :)))...
Let's see... besides  all the things that an average person hopes to have or do in life (nice house, loving family, sexy wife/husband, make a nice leaving and be rich, etc.& etc.), I want more.... I know that nothing matters after your death and no one lives forever, and no one takes anything from his life with him.... You know that Alexander the Great was carried through the whole Alexandria with spread-open hands when he died??? You wanna know why? It was done to say, that even he was the youngest and the greatest conqueror of all the times and very rich, he didn't take anything with him... He only left some things after himself.... Some things that really matter, he made a history... Now why am I telling this BIG story... Keeping it short, all I'm saying is that I hope to make a change during my life... Somehow, someway impact to something good, something that matters! You have read the slogan of my blog right?: "I believe that its the way you are remembered by people that defines your life on this earth. Call me idealistic if you want, but I truly want to make a difference in the world..."
So that is exactly what I hope and I hopefully I will achieve in my life! I want to make a difference, a change, so that people will remember me as someone that somehow touched their life with something good, something kind and meaningful....
I know, I am such a good girl :)))))))))))
but now, till tomorrow ;)

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for

Maybe because I am quite young yet.... but I don't have someone to forgive for... No one has yet done something to me-somehting cruel, somehting that changed my life to worse... So there's nothing to write about in this topic....  :))) And that's nice....

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for

I see this 30-day-comitment-thing comes closer to private and deep burried, I would say hidden topics for me and gets quite personal.... But, I guess I have already accepted the challenge to write about all 30 topics, so I am not backing away.
I can't categorize myself weather I'm a forgiving person or not, in general. There are things people can/can not forgive, things that people have to forgive, also forget about.... I, personally think that there are some things you CAN forgive, but CAN'T forget, even concidering yourself... It's easier to lie to ourselves and just run from thoughts, memories, mistakes.... right? That's what all of us do. We gather all these distractive thoughts, memories, mistakes in one big pile and hide them somewhere deep in ourselves... and hope never to return to them, or open them, never have a "tet-a-tet" with them... cause we are scared... But comes a time, when you're just sitting alone and trying as hard as you can to avoid thinking, you are avoiding to face the fear and be open with yourself. Well, it happens... and one day you have to let it all out and  blow it all away! Wow :)))) while I am sitting here and giving you this big, bubbly advices, I guess I, myself should follow them a little!
Here we go... I can't forgive myself for NOT being at the right place at the right moment.... I just know and there's nothing in this world can prove me the opposite, I just know that if I would have been there at needed time, it would be possible to avoid what had happened. I don't really believe in faith and in the statement that "whatever needs to happen will happen" or "whatever is written, will happen". I strongly believe that everything has a reason and the reasons are the decisions we make everyday!! And if people think that everything is written beforehand, then, I guess they just can sit back at their houses and wait till "what is written" happens to them... Total BS! Anyway... I can't forgive myself that I wasn't there, when the most important person in my life needed me the most... and I do believe that if I would be there, she would make it that time too, she would "stay", she would live....
I have heard too many times, people trying to explain to me that I couldn't change anything, but they can say what they want... I know, I could help! I know I could prevent.... And I don't know if I ever will forgive myself.... I constantly block the thoughts and I simply don't think about it.... I know one thing for sure: I can't change anything now. So may be some day, I will... forgive...

Day 2: Something you love about yourself

Well, well.... :))) It's not the right question for such a modest person as I am! ))))))))) just joking...
There certainly are things I like about myself... But I am going to flip over this exact topic, because I have my own priorities and It's better for them to stay unfolded!... People who know me, propbably love the same things about me which I, myself do.... I am not the type to speak about  this out loud.... But I can tell one thing for sure: there is no such person, no such living soul that doesn't love himself.... No exceptions! We all do!

And here's the deal, you tell me what you love about me.... and yes, It's a challenge ;)

Day 1: Something that you hate about yourself

I, myself ruined my evening and feel like crap, for doing what I always do..... : (
the following is somewhat confession.... I am sorry....

Okay, I was avoiding this topic for a while now….but today… I acted very childish and now feel horrible, no terrible… I am just having a hard time admitting negative things about me…. And those negative things are having an impact on my life lately…   I am having a very hard time admitting my mistakes (even to myself) and apologizing for them…. I battle with it!! And I know it hurts the people I love and care about…. I don’t know what the deal is! I know that I am hurting them, but at the same time, when I have to apologize and admit that I was wrong I just can’t… And I really suffer because of this! I know how much it hurts them, I know they expect more from me, I know that they don’t deserve such attitude. And now I say, I hate it about myself!!!!  I am disappointing certain people and I am getting to a point of losing them, because I am so damn stubborn. I truly understand that it is not the right way; you don’t treat people who you love this way! I understand that I have to apologize, but the words just don’t come out!!! I continue pushing my mistake, clearly realizing that it is not right, that I hurt the person and that he gets disappointed…. And I feel the worst feeling of guilt, but I still continue!!! Am I that weak that can’t do it right???? I don’t stop at the right time and apologize, I push it as far as it is possible, at the same time felling extremely guilty…It’s like a self-defense or something… I am trying really hard to say “I am sorry”… And that is one thing I hate about myself!!!!

Trust…. Seems like I’ve lost the ability to trust…  I understand when I love, I need to trust and I truly, really love, with all my heart, and he is so important and special! But I can’t trust!!! Even knowing that there’s nothing, no reason for not trusting, I still can’t…. I say to myself that I have to trust, again by not trusting I hurt people!!!!!!!!! It’s crazy!! I feel as I am the worst person, it’s so horrible…. 

And I am always not brave enough to admit all of this!!! I feel just very guilty and am very-very sorry for people who are put under all of this!  And I understand that they can’t take it forever… and one day if they decide not to have me in their life, it will be only my fault! I need to change this, because I really need them and I cherish them and I am thankful to them!  

30-day-commitment!

I am  doing a 30days of Truth here and I think it's a great idea… So I have decided to do that (along with all the other things I have started and not finished with this blog) .. hopefully though, this is one I will continue with J

These are the subjects:

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself. 

Day 2: Something you love about yourself. 

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for. 

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do. 

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for. 

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like poopy. 

Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. 

Day 10: Something people seem to compliment you the most on. 

Day 11: Something you never get compliments on. 

Day 12: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.) 

Day 13: A hero that has let you down. (letter) 

Day 14: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. 

Day 15: Someone or something you definitely could live without. 

Day 16: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. 

Day 17: Your views on gay marriage. 

Day 18: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? 

Day 29: Your views on drugs and alcohol. 

Day 20: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? 

Day 21: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. 

Day 22: Something you wish you had done in your life. 

Day 23: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) 

Day 24: The reason you believe you’re still alive today. 

Day 25: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? 

Day 26: What’s the best thing going for you right now? 

Day 27: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 28: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. 

Day 29: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

starting 2morrow... :)