Sweet Agony of Waiting

39 weeks and 3 days… : ) And I am so ridiculously impatient, so excited and scared at the same time. It seems as if time has stopped and the week is not moving forward! I am trying to imagine your face, your eyes, nose, little fingers and feet… I am trying to imagine who you will look like- me or daddy… I am so in love!  My little human being, my little man… “txas….”. I can’t believe that few more days and we will meet for the first time: you-so tiny, so unprotected, so lovable,  little miracle and I-radiating the biggest love and tenderness! I can’t wait to touch you, too look at your tiny face and soak in happiness! Hurry up my sweet little boy… We love you so much, no words can describe it!

P.S I think I will miss this feeling of extreme impatience and overwhelming happiness and excitement…

My Life List

 “Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.”
                                                                                                                          ~William Saroyan

This quote couldn’t have said more… We have to be alive every single day. I really, truly know what it feels like stop dreaming and making plans or especially taking steps towards your dreams… But we have to make plans, to achieve dreams and goals… that’s the ONLY way to stay alive, the only way to actually live. Even if it means just writing them down and taking one thing at a time. Achieve your dreams step by step maybe tomorrow, may be a week later, but no matter what write them down and go towards them, DO NOT forget about them, do not think they are impossible and unachievable. Because that there will be no point…. Just be alive…

So this is my Life list and it contains many things I want to do, achieve and see…They are little and big things may be some are ridiculous, weird, scary, extravagant or simple… The list will be added occasionally.

So here it is:
-AT LAST conquer my fears, all of them, become 100% fear-free

-Eat a dinner at Gordon Ramsay’s London restaurant with my husband

-Hold my baby boy (May 2013)

-Create something important, something needed and unforgettable, something worth my living and that will make a change

-Drive yellow Wolksvagen Juke

-Fluently speak French

-Open a REAL, NORMAL dog shelter in Yerevan

-A vacation in Maldives

-Have my own “crafting space” at home

-Create a personal recipe of the perfect desert

-Understand my father

-Be involved and carrying parent

-See my abs one day :))))

-Organise a food bank in Armenia

-Travel with Victor

-Make someone’s dream come true

-Finally learn to properly apply my eye-liner :)))

-Take a picture of me and Victor every day for a whole year

-Colour-code our closets

-Anonymously pay for someone else’s groceries and watch their reaction

-Have a wall calendar with all the birthdays and important dates

-Teach my child to be confident no matter what, but also be kind

-Have the strength to accept the things I am not able to change

-Watch my baby grow and learn every day….

-Have a job that I will love and enjoy

Pregnant thoughts && hormones :)

~Pregnancy is just so transcendent, inspiring, indescribable! I LOVE the little human growing inside me.... 

~14 weeks…. I don’t know you… we haven’t met yet… But I feel you; you are a piece of me…. And piece of HIM… The perfect half of us….

~You are a miracle… feelings consume me! I have never felt LOVE this pure, this BIG, never felt such care for anyone, never been so protective over anyone…

 ~We get so distracted by every-day events that forget what it’s like to feel, really feel something… You are making me feel....

 ~I hope you will love me as much as I loved HER….
 ~I have found my mother in me….After so much pain and grief, I am finding piece now… I have lost her, but I got her back again… this little human growing in me is bringing piece…and I recognize her in me, she arises in me, as I am a mother-to-be…

 ~Creating human is an amazing feeling...I feel powerful, overachieving and almighty! I feel womanly and motherly :) But most importantly... I FEEL.... ~So it's him.... my little man, my perfect little human being... My son... My gravity.... My baby... 14 more weeks and I can touch a miracle!

I AM ENOUGH

Life is crazy… every day routines we get lost in and the crazy sprint, racing moments, flashing thoughts, faces, voices and there is YOU… Sometimes I just stand in the middle of it all and try to find the lost myself. That’s true, it is easy to get lost and get behind it all. I effortlessly find myself misunderstood, misread, and misinterpreted! I just go by the flow and then suddenly realize that I lost myself, somewhere on the way, I forgot who I am, what I am made from and most importantly I forgot that I AM ENOUGH….

ARDENT

I am so thankful.... I am thankful for THE LOVE I have, for THE LOVE I feel and give, in which I BELIEVE... And I want to create, do something, something that will have value, purpose, strength... Something great and beautiful! no boundaries at all... I want to create and do things... Maybe a family and a child??? (SMILES)

Fear

I know that even the longest day is only 24 hours….  But I am having those LOOONG days quite frequently now…  And I fear perhaps every hour…I ask myself:  was I born to be afraid? Was I born to live every day in a fear that I cannot control? Was I born to be ruled by fears? FEAR… it entirely absorbs me, my personality… I am caged by it. I can’t break or open that enclosure. I’ve tried, many times! Some say I am not doing by best, I am not fighting, but the truth is I am battling, every day… And again I ask myself, am I that fragile? Was I born to be haunted by fears and not be happy? Was I destined to lose every moment of my happiness, because  fears are destroying them? Or am I too selfish and egoistic for concentrating on MY fears?  I want to stop it… put an end to it! Worry about something else, something other than my fears…  I swear it’s a living hell… I go crazy, I can’t control it when it takes over and when it does, it absorbs everything good that is happening! Fear is a mind killer! I hope I will survive! My soul will survive! My personality will survive, because I want to live. I want to face my fears! I want to scream and laugh at the death and tell that I truly am not scared! I am not scared, because I am destined to die one day! I want to face my fears, to be stronger than they are!!! I just don’t know how… I am so “shallow”…so are my emotions! My soul is exhausted and it truly suffers! I feel like I’m in a catatonic state and I feel numb!  I am thinking, important people in my life, aren’t they worth my change? Don’t they deserve me being fear-free? I was hurt and was sad for such a long time now… And I see people lose someone close, or getting hurt and being sad all the time! And I don’t want to lost my moments to be happy  anymore… I don’t want to waste my life! I love my life! I love that I have a life! It’s just that I can’t live it, because the fears are here….what can I do???

Daily Routines

I had paused writing for a while as you can tell, but here I am again.
I was thinking and thinking what to write about for it to be useful and interesting at the same time. And then an idea popped in my head: I am always running out of my time, always in a hurry and sometimes it seems that 24 hours a day is JUST NOT ENOUGH! I am sure most of us can relate to this feeling of "timeless" days. And it always got me wondering how famous people or "choking" with work buseinessmen, artists and other people organize their day and manage their time effectively. I did a little bit of research and found interviews with very famous people like Simone de Beauvoir, Immanuel Kant, Karl Marx and Charles Darwin about their daily routine, time usage and how in the world had they managed to schedule their day so perfectly. Guess what the key was: a STIMUL that will get you going in the morning!!! The key is NOT to be LAZY, have a sence of RESPONSIBILITY. I guess all of them mentioned above had their "moments" but ni matter what they would never give up on their daily schedule under any circumnstances... Not like us, of course!!! For example, I can get motivated and write a TO DO list for tomorrow, which will start with a MUST_WAKE_UP at 7 am, but when my alarm will go on annoyingly at 7 am, I might just find an excuse for me to sleep longer! Now, that's wrong.... While it takes me to horribly struggle to get up at 7 am,  Immanuel Kant woke up at 5 am, each morning...
So MORAL of this post is: have motivation (stimul) to get you going, sence of responsibility to do what you have to do every day, do NOT be lazy, you will regert one day and don't forget to have a little bit of that precious time for yourself to relax during the day, which would be fair pay back for your hard work and by saying that I don't mean WASTE your time, don't drawn in your daily routine... And this ALL concerns ME firsthand... And I hope I am not motivated just for this moment!
Later Gators! (via Steve)

"Today" of every year....

Time heals??? No…. it’s just that we don’t allow ourselves to be sad anymore… it always hurts, it will always hurt… the hole that is punched in your life, in your soul, in your heart, will never heal…. Time passes and I am just used to your absence!! But I don’t want to be used to it!!! I want to walk into the house and see you sitting there, on the couch and talking to me, smiling, LIVING for God’s sake! Today… Every year I am afraid of today! Every year I count one more “today”… and today, I don’t allow myself to think about you, to remember! I just turn my mind off…. Because I am afraid that I can’t stop….. if I allow myself one thought, one memory, it will just hit me…. And I’ll go over and over and over EVERYTHING that is hurting so much! That is so painful… and I will be lost! I don’t want to… I want the feeling to go away… I know life goes on and believe me, I am going on… I live a normal life everyday…. But it doesn’t make it easier…. Not even a little bit. And I know that I am not the only one who lost the dearest person in his life, but that doesn’t make it easier either!!! Coping, acceptance…. Those work only for some period of time…. I still enjoy the “everyday happiness” but then I just collapse and coping & acceptance are gone…  Sometimes it’s like a battle inside of me… Sometimes it takes all the effort to get up and believe in the day. And the fact, the vital necessity is that I need you! I need you by every meaning of the word “need”!  And most of all I am afraid that I am not going to be able to thing about you… Because I still can’t… And I am just this frozen person inside, which blocked all the emotions of grief, not allowing even a single tear. And I don’t believe that you are there, watching me… I only know that you are not here and that you never will be… And today…. Am I sad??? –I don’t know…. I am EMPTY! I am just MAD, I am ANGRY! And I will always be questioning “WHY!” Can I change anything? –No….
Then why do I even try….

Day 23: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs

I am addressing the following playlist to someone without who I wouldn't smile with the smile I smile everyday...
few songs that I want you to know, I am somewhat connecting with you.
**Sirum em!

1. Katie Melua-Piece by Piece (we both know why this song is the first...!)
2. Sting-Shape of my Heart (we both love it)
3. Ray Charles ft. Dee Dee-Precious thing (because I lloooveee this song, always!)
4. Nino Katamadze-Once in the street (very beautiful song)
5. Soso Pavliashvili-Radovat' (Because you told me not to be sad....)
5. Leps ft.Stas P'exa-Ona ne Tvoya (Because that was the first song you sent to me)
6. Will Withers-Just the two of us (Saturday Mornings.... ;) )
7. Sting ft. Charles Aznavour-Love is new everyday (because I fall in love with you every single day!!!)
8. Ray Charles-Angelina (I am listening to it right now)

This is a playlist for you-the one that makes me feel loved and special every day.

** Your angel loves you... today more than yesterday.

Day 24: The reason you believe you’re still alive today

I know :)) It's not supposed to be the 24-th writing, but I decided to change the rules a little. I am still going to write about all the topics,but in random order... I am tired of the routines!!! I am tired of damn synchronized routine....
The reason I believe I am still alive today, is a simple acknowledgement that my "logical end" hasn't come yet... Sometimes I just love to be irrational (today is such case) and say that I am alive, because there are people that need me here, or maybe the reason I am alive today is simply because I still have things to do, to accomplish in my life, I have to understand the meaning of my life, or life in general... This sounds so comforting and so beautiful... I wish and sometimes I really hope, or maybe even believe in the "said above"... But when I think of this question, what pops up in my head is that I am just alive.... Should there be a reason for that??

If you guys have a different opinion, please share, it would be interesting to know what do you think what's the reason you are alive today....

Cheers,

Anna, as always :)

Theories of personality...

I just love Freud!!! Let this article be a little light brightening to our "spotless minds"....

A multi-dimensioned nature of person and diversity of his social relations determine a diversity of theoretic approaches to personality. One of them is the psychological analysis of Sigmund Freud (1856-1939). He considered a person as a hedonist, as striving for getting satisfaction, with the society as a system of constraints and taboos. According to S. Freud, personality has three structures: the Id, the Ego, and the Superego. The Id consists of instincts, basically sexual. It is totally unconscious and has no contact with reality. As children experience the demands and constraints of reality, a new structure of personality emerges – the Ego. It is called the executive branch of personality because it uses reasoning to make decisions. The Id and the Ego have no morality. They do not take into account whether something is right or wrong. The highest structure is the Superego which is the moral branch of personality as it takes into account whether something is right or wrong that’s why it is seen as norms of the society. The Superego is what is often referred to as “conscience. ”The Id and the Superego are most aggressive branches. Attacking human psyche (the Ego) from both sides they make life rough for the Ego and give birth to a neurotic type of human behaviour. For instance, your Ego might say, “I will have sex only occasionally and be sure to take the proper divcautions because I don’t want the intrusion of a child in the development of my career. ”However, your Id is saying, “I want to be satisfied; sex is pleasurable. ”Your Superego is at work, too: “I feel guilty about having sex before I’m married. ”Personality becomes neurotic as it is constantly defending from public divssure and conflicting with the social milieu. As soon as the society develops, the highest structure (the Superego) inevitably increases and becomes more massive and heavier, that’s why S. Freud considered the history of mankind as history of increasing psychosis.

I think the example brought above is too practical.... but it's the truth! Our Ego struggles every single day, it is always tempted and is always in hot-bed of tensions (by the way, always wanted to use this expression :) ). And it strongly affects our society... most of the time as life shows, as our society pictures, Superego is suppressed by the attacking Id... And no, I am not being pessimistic, I am just sad, that I, myself, can also be listed in the raw of suppressed Superegos.... :/

Day 10: Something people seem to compliment you the most on

Well it's probably my eyes.... I get complimented on my blue eyes quite often.... Do I like it-yes, :) who doesn't like to be complimented...
I'll be MODEST and end this topic right here :)

Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

Firsthand, I apologize for my several-day silence... my mind has been very busy lately... I need to make my thoughts into actions, transform them into reality and apply on daily basis. Productivity is very important, otherwise you'll bury your creativity alive.

Now, turning to the topic... There is a person, which was and still is important to me and is a part of my past.... but as it's written above, I didn't want to let go, but just drifted, BECAUSE it was vital, needed!

When lifetime friendship turns into something else, and the feelings start to mix with the ones that are forbidden in a friendship like that, in a friendship of such character, in a friendship of such long duration and when the real, "holding-it-together" meaning is lost, it has to be over.... "You" lost the meaning of being friends and consequently I lost "You"... I always want to see "You" in my life, but only as a friend you had been for me for such a long time.... I just want to say Come back one day. I am still Anna.

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like poopy

:)))) The last part of the title made me laugh! I don't know about people making my life a hell, but there are things that can and have made my life a living hell... so consequently, people who have done, or will do those things will make it happen... I have my moments, and sometimes I might be quite emotional and fragile....
There is no such person that have made my life hell, or mistreated me.... but I will say one thing...
"I can't stand drunk people and drinking issues are horrible".....

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for

Are there going to be any heart-lighted topics on this list?! While I read the title for countless times, trying to concentrate on my thoughts, a sentence from a great poem came to my mind...

"People come into your life for a reason,
 a season, or a lifetime"...

This is quite true... people in your life good or bad, somehow affect your living and yourself. Most of the times, if you are lucky or smart enough to have yourself surrounded by good people, it's a good thing. Think about this.... okay, you have your dream job, lot's of money, beautiful house, you have all other possible material things! But you don't have family that will support you, love you, cherish you, you don't have friends which may be loyal to you, you can't turn to anytime you feel sad.... you don't have real people to relay on,or the one's who will need YOU in their life... Now tell me... does such life makes it worth to live? I don't think so... You have to have people in your life! People make it worth living. And I am not just trying to draw this perfect picture of loving family without problems, true and loyal friends who will never betray you, or lie to you, honest colleges at work that won't talk behind your back!! No, I am not closing my eyes on all of this... But then again, I still think that people make it worth living...
And truly, I never ever thought, not even for a minute, that my life is not worth living... Yes, I have been very sad, lonely, I've been through some really hard things... but those never became a reason to think that my life is unworthy.
There really are a lot of people, that make my life worth living for... Also, how can I pick one?-my Mom, my Grandmother, my sister, my love.... They ALL make it worth to live for!

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do

Whoever made up this list must have been choosing the most tricky questions.... :)
Well... Of course there are vital few things I hope I will never heave to do in my life... I think everyone who will write about this topic will mention them: like I never ever want to go through a divorce, or I never want to say goodbye to my loved ones, never hurt them consciously, betray them etc, etc.... 

But as for real "I don't ever want to do in my life", I am going just to list them... It might be not too pleasant to think deep about some of them.... so here we go:
 -I don't ever want to lose my morals in life
 -I don't ever want to take somebody off of life support
 -I don't ever want to be alone (If I will be, it will be ONLY my fault)
 -I don't ever want to choose between 2 important for me people
 -I don't ever want to bury a child! (never, everrrrr)
 -I don't ever want to go through the same thing I have already been through in my life before.... never, ever....

That's enough.....
I need to write my boyfriend good night and sleep myself.... <3

See ya!

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life

I see we're getting motivational here :)) I think I will like this topic, after I write, because two things will be done at once: FIRST-I will complete one more topic && SECOND-once again to think and determine what I hope to do in life.... Because I just don't hope I will get certain things done in my life, I know I will do so... and Yes, I'm in optimistic state of mind :)))...
Let's see... besides  all the things that an average person hopes to have or do in life (nice house, loving family, sexy wife/husband, make a nice leaving and be rich, etc.& etc.), I want more.... I know that nothing matters after your death and no one lives forever, and no one takes anything from his life with him.... You know that Alexander the Great was carried through the whole Alexandria with spread-open hands when he died??? You wanna know why? It was done to say, that even he was the youngest and the greatest conqueror of all the times and very rich, he didn't take anything with him... He only left some things after himself.... Some things that really matter, he made a history... Now why am I telling this BIG story... Keeping it short, all I'm saying is that I hope to make a change during my life... Somehow, someway impact to something good, something that matters! You have read the slogan of my blog right?: "I believe that its the way you are remembered by people that defines your life on this earth. Call me idealistic if you want, but I truly want to make a difference in the world..."
So that is exactly what I hope and I hopefully I will achieve in my life! I want to make a difference, a change, so that people will remember me as someone that somehow touched their life with something good, something kind and meaningful....
I know, I am such a good girl :)))))))))))
but now, till tomorrow ;)

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for

Maybe because I am quite young yet.... but I don't have someone to forgive for... No one has yet done something to me-somehting cruel, somehting that changed my life to worse... So there's nothing to write about in this topic....  :))) And that's nice....

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for

I see this 30-day-comitment-thing comes closer to private and deep burried, I would say hidden topics for me and gets quite personal.... But, I guess I have already accepted the challenge to write about all 30 topics, so I am not backing away.
I can't categorize myself weather I'm a forgiving person or not, in general. There are things people can/can not forgive, things that people have to forgive, also forget about.... I, personally think that there are some things you CAN forgive, but CAN'T forget, even concidering yourself... It's easier to lie to ourselves and just run from thoughts, memories, mistakes.... right? That's what all of us do. We gather all these distractive thoughts, memories, mistakes in one big pile and hide them somewhere deep in ourselves... and hope never to return to them, or open them, never have a "tet-a-tet" with them... cause we are scared... But comes a time, when you're just sitting alone and trying as hard as you can to avoid thinking, you are avoiding to face the fear and be open with yourself. Well, it happens... and one day you have to let it all out and  blow it all away! Wow :)))) while I am sitting here and giving you this big, bubbly advices, I guess I, myself should follow them a little!
Here we go... I can't forgive myself for NOT being at the right place at the right moment.... I just know and there's nothing in this world can prove me the opposite, I just know that if I would have been there at needed time, it would be possible to avoid what had happened. I don't really believe in faith and in the statement that "whatever needs to happen will happen" or "whatever is written, will happen". I strongly believe that everything has a reason and the reasons are the decisions we make everyday!! And if people think that everything is written beforehand, then, I guess they just can sit back at their houses and wait till "what is written" happens to them... Total BS! Anyway... I can't forgive myself that I wasn't there, when the most important person in my life needed me the most... and I do believe that if I would be there, she would make it that time too, she would "stay", she would live....
I have heard too many times, people trying to explain to me that I couldn't change anything, but they can say what they want... I know, I could help! I know I could prevent.... And I don't know if I ever will forgive myself.... I constantly block the thoughts and I simply don't think about it.... I know one thing for sure: I can't change anything now. So may be some day, I will... forgive...

Day 2: Something you love about yourself

Well, well.... :))) It's not the right question for such a modest person as I am! ))))))))) just joking...
There certainly are things I like about myself... But I am going to flip over this exact topic, because I have my own priorities and It's better for them to stay unfolded!... People who know me, propbably love the same things about me which I, myself do.... I am not the type to speak about  this out loud.... But I can tell one thing for sure: there is no such person, no such living soul that doesn't love himself.... No exceptions! We all do!

And here's the deal, you tell me what you love about me.... and yes, It's a challenge ;)