ARDENT

I am so thankful.... I am thankful for THE LOVE I have, for THE LOVE I feel and give, in which I BELIEVE... And I want to create, do something, something that will have value, purpose, strength... Something great and beautiful! no boundaries at all... I want to create and do things... Maybe a family and a child??? (SMILES)

Fear

I know that even the longest day is only 24 hours….  But I am having those LOOONG days quite frequently now…  And I fear perhaps every hour…I ask myself:  was I born to be afraid? Was I born to live every day in a fear that I cannot control? Was I born to be ruled by fears? FEAR… it entirely absorbs me, my personality… I am caged by it. I can’t break or open that enclosure. I’ve tried, many times! Some say I am not doing by best, I am not fighting, but the truth is I am battling, every day… And again I ask myself, am I that fragile? Was I born to be haunted by fears and not be happy? Was I destined to lose every moment of my happiness, because  fears are destroying them? Or am I too selfish and egoistic for concentrating on MY fears?  I want to stop it… put an end to it! Worry about something else, something other than my fears…  I swear it’s a living hell… I go crazy, I can’t control it when it takes over and when it does, it absorbs everything good that is happening! Fear is a mind killer! I hope I will survive! My soul will survive! My personality will survive, because I want to live. I want to face my fears! I want to scream and laugh at the death and tell that I truly am not scared! I am not scared, because I am destined to die one day! I want to face my fears, to be stronger than they are!!! I just don’t know how… I am so “shallow”…so are my emotions! My soul is exhausted and it truly suffers! I feel like I’m in a catatonic state and I feel numb!  I am thinking, important people in my life, aren’t they worth my change? Don’t they deserve me being fear-free? I was hurt and was sad for such a long time now… And I see people lose someone close, or getting hurt and being sad all the time! And I don’t want to lost my moments to be happy  anymore… I don’t want to waste my life! I love my life! I love that I have a life! It’s just that I can’t live it, because the fears are here….what can I do???