Time heals??? No…. it’s just that we don’t allow ourselves to be sad anymore… it always hurts, it will always hurt… the hole that is punched in your life, in your soul, in your heart, will never heal…. Time passes and I am just used to your absence!! But I don’t want to be used to it!!! I want to walk into the house and see you sitting there, on the couch and talking to me, smiling, LIVING for God’s sake! Today… Every year I am afraid of today! Every year I count one more “today”… and today, I don’t allow myself to think about you, to remember! I just turn my mind off…. Because I am afraid that I can’t stop….. if I allow myself one thought, one memory, it will just hit me…. And I’ll go over and over and over EVERYTHING that is hurting so much! That is so painful… and I will be lost! I don’t want to… I want the feeling to go away… I know life goes on and believe me, I am going on… I live a normal life everyday…. But it doesn’t make it easier…. Not even a little bit. And I know that I am not the only one who lost the dearest person in his life, but that doesn’t make it easier either!!! Coping, acceptance…. Those work only for some period of time…. I still enjoy the “everyday happiness” but then I just collapse and coping & acceptance are gone… Sometimes it’s like a battle inside of me… Sometimes it takes all the effort to get up and believe in the day. And the fact, the vital necessity is that I need you! I need you by every meaning of the word “need”! And most of all I am afraid that I am not going to be able to thing about you… Because I still can’t… And I am just this frozen person inside, which blocked all the emotions of grief, not allowing even a single tear. And I don’t believe that you are there, watching me… I only know that you are not here and that you never will be… And today…. Am I sad??? –I don’t know…. I am EMPTY! I am just MAD, I am ANGRY! And I will always be questioning “WHY!” Can I change anything? –No….
Then why do I even try….
Then why do I even try….
